HAZEL CURTIS: FEAR DOCTOR

And the critics love me!

2010-03-09T19:49:00.000+11:00

Divorce

2010-02-24T07:47:00.005+11:00

Years of waxing your pudenda into a heart-shaped lie and then he leaves you for a Cyborgasmatrix silicone doll called Cindy. And now you're alone. Possibly for the first time in your life. Possibly at the worst time of your life. Branded with stretch marks, greying hair, and shame. You look into the future and all you see are the birthdays, Christmases, and New Years Eves where you are the lonely object of pity and the fear is so strong that you can't even leave your one-room flat that will always smell slightly of the previous tenant's cat.

Truth time. This divorce is the best thing that ever happened to you. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I realised I had spent the whole of my marriage terrified of being left if I didn't stay thin enough, attractive enough, accommodating of his increasingly humiliating sexual habits enough. I thought being alone was the worst thing that could happen. It wasn't. I fought the fear and I won. I'm now three times the woman I ever was - quite literally - and I'm having more sex than Wayne Carey on a coke binge. On my terms. Leave the lube at home fellas. Hazel's plenty juicy already.

Divorce Fear. Live Free.

Religion

2010-02-20T23:38:00.001+11:00

You're looking for answers to the big questions. Why am I here? Where am I going? How should I live?

I was chatting with my mate, the Dalai Lama. He's a lovely little peanut but totally mad, of course. Shuffling about screaming, 'I need pillow!' and crying, 'Do I look fat in this?' As I've always maintained, orange drapes don't do anyone any favours. But what the Dalai and I can agree on is that pessimists are right. No one gets out of here alive.

Let me tell you a story about a lady named Ruth. Ruth, like you, was looking for answers. She turned to God because she thought she'd be alright with the Big Cheese on her side. Insecure about her capacity to make connections with humans, Ruth fell in love with the idea of a higher being who would always love her, and always be there. She was using God as a crutch. I had to knock away that crutch. I had to make Ruth realise that she was alone. Hearing, helping and hissing that fear is painful - but you can't make a smoothie without squashing some bananas.

I sealed Ruth in a soundproof chamber devoid of light. The most effective way of stripping away someone's capacity to resist is to deprive them of sensory stimulation. Henry Kissinger taught me that. I needed to destablise Ruth's world.

Ruth became paranoid.....

Anxious, depressed…

And aggressive...

But eventually she began to transcend her fear of loneliness. Sure, she may be 'certifiably' insane but who isn't?

With my help Ruth came to realise that she didn't need God. She didn't need anyone. She finally understood when everything else is ripped away, all that's left is you. And that has to be enough. That has to be lovable. I lost contact with Ruth soon afterwards but there are reports of a Sasquatch-like creature that roams the fringes of Koolpinyah and feasts on camel meat. I like to think that's Ruth; happy and content with her friends, the dromedaries.

I tell Ruth's story to make you understand that there are no answers. There's only fear and fearlessness. How do you want to live?

Fear and Climate and Change

2010-02-11T00:51:00.001+11:00

Parenting

2010-02-07T23:13:00.000+11:00

You're scared of your children. You're scared of stuffing them up, or of not stuffing them up enough. You agonise over every decision. Should I let her wear that slutty dress? Should I let him go to the party with those boys where I'm certain he'll smoke pot and impregnate some slut? Should I force her to learn the piano so she doesn't become the type of slut to be impregnated by stoned boys?

It's natural to want to protect your children. A mother hen keeps her chicks close. But sitting on your babies increases the risk of suffocation. I almost lost my eldest daughter that way. I was going through a phase where I modelled my parenting on Canada geese. That had to stop when child protection were called in after neighbours saw me encouraging her to fly.

The point I'm making is that it's natural to want to protect your children - but you can't. Your parents couldn't protect you. Look at how you turned out. You have to let your babies spread their wings and fly (though not literally, which I learned through an eighteen month period of incarceration for child cruelty).

You believe your children's actions, thoughts, the very essence of their being is all about you. If your kid gets into university it means you've done good. If your kid dismembers elderly pensioners it means you've done bad. Truth time. You can do your best but in the end it's up to them. If they turn out a crack addict fellating goats for money - well, you win some you lose some. That's why it's best to have a few offspring. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Out of a brood of seven, sure you might get a couple of pure evil - a serial killer or an investment banker - but that means you're still in with a chance for an optometrist.

Hazel wants you in Melbourne!

2010-02-07T02:47:00.003+11:00

Hello friends

I'm pleased to announce that I'm coming back to my hometown of Melbourne! I will be delivering a series of life-changing seminars for two weeks only. You can't afford to miss this chance. Seriously. How much longer can you suffer the sheer misery of your existence? The clock is ticking down to the moment you jump off the nearest building and have to be scooped into a vacuum-sealed bag. No one wants that. Least of all the firemen who have to hose down your membrane from the asphalt.

You need Hazel and guess what? Hazel's here.

Book early to avoid crippling depression.

HAZEL CURTIS: FEAR DOCTOR

Written by Petra Kalive and Melissa Bubnic

Performed by Petra Kalive

Directed by Jason Geary

2-14 March, 8:00pm Tues-Sun

Mark Street Hall, 1 Mark Street, North Fitzroy

Tickets $25 Full, $20 Concession, 2 March Preview $15 All Tickets www.trybooking.com

Weight

2010-02-03T06:20:00.001+11:00

How many times have you failed to squeeze into your fat pants? You know, the ones you didn't throw away after that last diet just in case? How much money have you thrown away on Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Lite n' Easy only to pile the weight back on plus some extra chins? How many more times will you find yourself burning with shame, rooting through your children's schoolbags searching for forgotten cheese sticks and a strawberry Freddo frog? Enough.

Enough with the calorie-counting strategies, sacrificing a poached egg here for a third of a Mars bar there. Enough with all the fat jokes at your expense, pretending it's funny when your kids call your stomach 'mummy's jellies'. Enough with the lies, saying you're full when you know you'll go home and devour the cat if there's no chicken in the fridge. Enough.

Look at my arse. Look at it! Do you know what a starving Sudanese child would give for a bite of this sweet-tasting meat? Think about that the next time you find yourself on a stair master, selfishly burning flesh when others have none.

Thin is ick; fat is sick (or as my young wog fans would say, 'fully sick'). Embrace my delicious, no-hunger, high carbohydrate, snacking system and you too can have a body that impoverished African nations covet.

Are you afraid?

2010-02-01T00:07:00.004+11:00

Sex

2010-01-27T04:50:00.004+11:00

You’re not getting enough. The sex you are getting is poor. You climax too soon. You don’t climax at all. His feet stink. Her left buttock is smaller than her right buttock. His nipples are too hairy. Her nipples aren't hairy enough. When it comes to sexual gripes you couldn’t possibly begin to shock me.

Honestly, I’ve heard them all including the case of one man who could only achieve erection when he cut his wife's hair while she slept. I couldn't save that marriage. She developed alopecia.

The important thing to remember is you’re not alone. Truth time. Turn to the person next to you – in your office, on the train, in the supermarket queue. Take a good look at your fellow humans. They’re sexually inadequate also and they’re just as terrified as you.

Our society has conditioned us to compete for an attractive sexual partner. Much of our self-worth is connected to the frequency and quality of our sexual experiences. So of course you’re terrified when it comes to sex – who you’re hooty-fa-tooting, how you’re hooty-fa-tooting them, and how often said hooty-fa-tooting activity takes place is directly related to how you feel about yourself. And that takes us to our primary fear – fear of not being enough.

It’s that fear which keeps you at a nightclub until four in the morning waiting for a semi-conscious eighteen year old to stumble into your pants. It’s that fear which makes you text photos of that same naked eighteen year old to your mates as evidence that sexual activity has occurred.

It’s time to stop letting the fear control you and for you to control the fear. Stay home and flick your own bean.

Hazel Curtis says 'Hello!'

2010-01-22T08:48:00.002+11:00

Disappointment

2010-01-20T19:20:00.000+11:00

You know, I’ve been a fear doctor for almost thirteen years and the thing that I hear patients say time and time again is: “Hazel, I love you and want to knead your hips.” And the other thing they always mention is how disappointed they are. When you’re younger, people tell you all the time that you’re special. And you believe them. You have dreams of being a fireman, an actor, a podiatrist. You believe that you will be important and loved.

It's when the dream of what we could have been collides with the truth of what we are now that the clang of cognitive dissonance both deafens and blinds us. Which means...yes, you’re disappointed. Because you’ve been lied to from the very beginning. Truth time. You were never going to be special. You’re average. Some of you...below average. I know that hurts. I know it’s hard but I want you to close your eyes and think about when you were small. Think back to the time when you believed in your potential. And what do you see? Do you see yourself in a white lab coat? Are you walking the red carpet at some Hollywood premiere? Perhaps you’re on the arm of an old-monied QC who thinks you’re perfect? Can you see your dream? Now I want you to take a heavy object and smash that dream to pieces. The dream is false. The dream is the enemy. The dream is what makes a D-grade soap star think a sexed-up music video, a stint on Neighbours, and a one-way ticket to London is their ticket to fame when anyone with a full kit of cutlery knows it's a sure-fire guarantee to obscurity and prescription-drug addiction. Please Stephanie McIntosh - let Hazel help. And for all of you wondering, 'Who the hell is Stephanie McIntosh?' - my point exactly.

Hazel's 3H System

2010-01-19T02:54:00.004+11:00

Do you want to be happy? Do you want to look younger? Do you want to fearlessly leap into life and suck all of its meaty juices? Well you can't. Fear is holding you back.

My 3H system is a simple three-step recipe of hearing, helping and hissing your fear.

Step 1. Hear the fear

Tune into your body. Do it now. Close your eyes. Listen to your inner scaredy-cat. What is he telling you? What is he afraid of? Can you hear his little meows? No. I didn't think so. You need Hazel to help you hear your fear. You need Hazel to stroke that cat.

Step 2. Help the fear

You’ve got to help that fear to the surface. STOP HIDING! STOP LYING! STOP STIFLING! It's causing you so much pain. Transform that inner scaredy-cat into a monstrous lion. Let him roar.

Step 3. Hiss the fear

Are you ready to be brave? Are you ready to start the journey to the new you? Are you ready to be...unafraid?

Then come along to my seminar - I'm not giving it away for free. Learn about the system. The you that is is ugly. There's no way around that. The you that could be is…less ugly.

Hazel Curtis: Fear Doctor

2009-06-13T21:48:00.007+10:00

Meet global sensation, Hazel Curtis: “Many of you are too afraid to look at yourselves. And you should be! You're hideous! You’re bleaching your teeth and spraying your bodies orange. You’re taking Viagra and having poor quality, vodka-fuelled sex with losers you met on RSVP. Why? Because you’re afraid you're not enough. You’re not enough. I won't lie to you.”

Hazel’s powerful, effective and easy strategies change lives. Whatever your fears - pedophiles, faux denim, Flemish giant rabbits - Hazel Curtis: Fear Doctor, is relentless in her desire to cure.

Her best-selling books, Every Opening is a Doorway (Seriously), Crack the Nut Within, The Dalai Lama is an Afraid Man and Hazel Does It Better have been translated into over 36 languages.

Hazel takes fame and success in her sensual stride: “I’m huge in Bulgaria…and I don’t just mean voluptuous.”

The testimonials you will read below are true accounts of this amazing woman's ability to heal.

Testimonials

2009-06-03T22:40:00.128+10:00

"Hazel, you know, she’s larger than life. I mean, she’s large, but even bigger in person." - Jennifer Hawkins (Bottom-flashing TV Presenter)

"Hazel’s Crack the Nut Within is a must-read for anyone who hasn’t read it." - Alan Jones (Reactionary Radio Hack For Hire)

"Hazel, you stand at the front of the room and radiate warmth, like an industrial furnace that melts away our fears." - Steve Vizard (Former Funnyman and Alleged Insider-Trader)

"Hazel helped me to experience a clarity and purpose which has been eluding me for years." - Amy Winehouse (Singer and Botched Boob-Job Afflicted Druggie)

"I just shot 84! Unbelievable golf! Thanks Hazel, you're f#cking brilliant!” – Mick Gatto (Underworld Crime Figure and Fatty Boomba)

"THE ULTIMATE FEAR DOCTOR...she knows what it takes to make people unafraid and fearless!" - Andre Agassi (Tennis Champion and Crystal Meth Using Crybaby)

“Hazel is the Sharon Stone of the genre. Totally unafraid to get her vag out if the work demands it.” - Elle McPherson (Professional Tits and Arse)

“Hazel is more Sharon Stone than even Sharon Stone!” – Sharon Stone (Faded Norma Desmond-esque Star, Former Vag Exposer, and Total Lunatic)

“Thank you Hazel, for the recent ‘Overcoming the Fear Within’ seminar in London. Truly and deeply life changing...” - The Queen (Monarch and Wearer of Customised Hats)